Before I learnt to read I can remember being overawed at the concept of being able to read, believing that I would have access to the code of all those who have gone before me, and have the help which was meant for all those who come after. All those previous enlightened versions of me passing on their age old help to me; messages personally for me - from angels. I used to stare at the strange looking shapes wondering what fantastic things they would reveal, how they would allow me to do magic and become a magical being, because I would have the means of accessing the divine and manifesting anything I want.
The first of these divine beings that you are presented with in words, are Janet and John, or was it Jack and Jill; and after that it all just goes downhill, with me, pale, tumbling after.
Until one can re-awaken to the original concept of what writing is, it is all a bit of a let-down. It is not at all how I thought it was going to be. There is hardly any magic at all. No one seems to know, and everyone is lost in it.
So now here I am trying to equate my earlier pre-reading self with who I am now, knowing that what I previously thought had already been done in actuality hasn't. All of this coded information is for helping those who come after, as we wanted and expected to be ourselves, and shows that the messiah hasn't been yet; if he had then my pre-reading assumptions would have been correct, and the societal system would have organised itself to give the right information to those who are growing up. This has not been the case. The society hasn't developed fully yet, and it's still growing. It has got to the point that it can be seen to be inevitable that it's going to be, to be the path towards heaven, the eutopia of the proper functioning of the Earth and human society. But then, I think we have always believed that; how long does it take?
When all new beings that arrive have the correct guidance to fully utilize their being, this will be the proof of the pudding that the society has matured and that eutopia has arrived.
~
When walking to the shops with my grandmother one day, when I was about 4 or 5, I had to stop as all my vision became broken up with bright white sparkles, which seemed to me to be the world falling away to reveal the true reality.
I remember thinking that I had been right, and that all this wasn't real after all - a question which was constantly in the background of my awareness ever since the cot dream, and which all children struggle to absolve without any help at all. When my grandmother asked me what was wrong I thought of saying that it was God, but I didn't really know what that meant and so not knowing many words, could only say "it's so beautiful". The fact that there was a garbage bin close by and litter, pavement, people and shops must have confused her, but I wasn't seeing any of this, just the silvery sparkling disappearance of the world while being absolutely blown away at the fantasticness of it all. The sheer incomprehensible grandeur that is existence, and the consciousness of just being, has made me insensible to the very secondary game of society interaction so many times throughout my life, and each time there is only one thing you can say about it- "it's so beautiful".
I now believe that the phenomenon was due to leukocytes (white blood cells), within the eye, known as blue light entoptic phenomena, and was the result of my immune system being triggered to an unusually extreme degree.
The same experience happened at my new primary school, during my first year there, whilst looking at a wall. The wall became glittery and I became aware of the unbelievableness of existence itself; it was as if I was able to see the underlying reality behind everything - or rather the unreality. I then became aware of all the children around me, backing away from me, as somehow they could tell that I was in a holy state and not normal. So I stopped doing it as there was a strong recognition for the need for social compliance, even then at the age of 6.
A short time later some children had found a dead mouse, and they brought it to me because they thought I would know what to do. So I buried it for them saying the words "ashes to ashes, dust to dust", because I had heard them before in conjunction with burial, and all the children were happy and went their own way.
~
A year or so earlier than this I had had my first experience of religion at a Christmas service in a cathedral, and it convinced me of what I already really knew—and that was that the adults didn't know.
As we waited in the pews I kept looking round to the entrance doors in eager anticipation of the important man who was to come in and tell us all what all this was; why we were here and how does it work. As each person came in I thought "no, that's not him". I was quite sure that I would be able to recognise him when he came in. After quite a long time, someone came in wearing silly clothing and an enormous hat, and I knew straight away that that was not him. He must have been wearing a mitre and ceremonial gowns for the special occasion. I can't remember whether I actually said it out loud or just thought …"look! There's a clown". I'm sure I laughed.
But then everybody stood up and went quiet, but I kept on looking round, confused as to why it was all starting without him. Then the man with the outlandish costume started speaking and I think I had been told by now that this was the man, or maybe I just worked it out myself, and so I listened intently to what he said. But it was the usual nonsense that adults always did, and he wasn't saying anything important at all. I tried to persevere but quickly lost concentration and interest. He wasn't saying anything about what this reality was, or why we were here, or how it all worked. I was really disappointed; it was a significant disillusionment which I tried to ignore by becoming interested in something else, like a cat will clean itself if it finds itself becoming self-conscious.
Then I was told to put my hands together in prayer, which I did, but my 2 palms pressed together produced so much heat that it hurt, and I complained to my mum as I was seriously in pain, but I still had to do it. So I cheated a little and held my palms a little apart to reduce the suffering. It was because I was prepared for a full blown encounter with the revelations of the universe and holy union, and my energy level was at boiling point.
Such a fantastic great building, filled with such small words from such a big hat. Why was everyone so reverent for “that”!
I came away from this experience in a state of denial. It had convinced me that there was no salvation; no liberation, that I was alone and that no help was coming. It's still like that.
~
It was during my first year at my new primary school that we went on a school trip to Blaenau Ffestiniog in Snowdonia, Wales. Here was the Llechwedd slate mine, and in that mine, in a cavern, we were all told to hold hands, and then they turned the lights off !
I am sure they wouldn't allow this today in this age of health and safety !
The utter pitch black of where there was no light whatsoever, was for me not as interesting as being able to see everyone shining in a silvery glow, their faces with black eyes and open mouths. Everything else was indeed a lovely black (my favourite colour then), but I remember thinking it was strange that no one else was looking at each other. I was able to look at the teachers who clearly couldn't see me and I remember feeling a little cheeky doing this and expecting a reprimand, but none came. It was their faces I remember seeing, I can't remember if their clothes shone too. I believe this may be bio-luminescence, though I have since heard that bio-luminescence is 1,000 times less than normal eyesight can detect, so I really don't know how I was able to see, but I certainly did.
Back on the bus, someone was talking about how fantastic the dark was, and I said that I could see everyone in the dark, expecting someone else to agree, but was met with complete silence. I could tell that they did not believe me, and my young mind whirled on the concept of lies and false accusation and the inability to prove what was said. It was a horrible realisation and influenced me to refrain from sharing my experiences in the future. In fact mostly until now.
~
Another of my supernatural capabilities came to light about a year after this, while walking through the school playground with a classmate, I spotted a crow flying across my view and pointed my index finger at it, like a gun, and pulled my thumb down as a trigger and said "bang", and the bird fell out of the sky. It fell vertically out of the sky simultaneously with my pretend shooting of it. I turned to my classmate still brandishing my weapon, and said "did you see that", but he didn't answer and ran away !
I now believe that my shooting action was a coincidence with the crow's known aerial acrobatics of dropping and swooping down which I have seen since. They really do just fall out of the sky sometimes, and if the lower field of view hadn't been obscured by buildings, I would probably have seen it recover its flight and fly away. At the time I couldn't understand why all my other pretend shootings never had any effect, but my classmate wasn't taking any chances and avoided me for some time after this!
There is another occasion which at the time I attributed to coincidence, but now think it wasn't. I must have been told about psychic abilities by my siblings, of being able to move other people by thought alone, because I tried it one day on a visitor (my brothers future wife), and stared at her finger with great concentration and intent, until I made it move in an up and down abnormal manner.
It took great concentration, to the point of nearly passing out, or rather should I say initiate a trance induction, and it is not something you could do in normal social circumstances, but the finger did move, though at the time I thought that it could just be coincidence, I am now pretty sure from other psychic experiences I have had, that it was me that made it happen. I have not since deliberately done this.
~
It is the case that when you have a family of seven, all living in the same house, all eating at the same time, that bowel movements will also be necessary at the same time. With only one toilet available, there is recourse to those who are young and not so conditioned into conventional practices, to find alternative means of evacuation. With me being the youngest, and living on a farm, there are plenty of places which are discreet and accommodating enough for these actions to be occasionally pursued outside, with dock leaves aplenty.
If you are of shamanistic stock, the crouching position that is assumed during the process, can trigger a shaking of the legs which results in the heels drumming against the ground, a bit like what rabbits do as an alarm. By entering a sort of trance, this drumming syncopates on alternate heels to produce a very powerful, regular and sustained shaking of the ground. The reverberation intensifies enough so that it can shake fully grown trees into dropping bits off itself as a friend of mine discovered when he was (at a respectful distance from me), standing under a tree. He was amazed at this and yet I thought it quite normal and un-noteworthy. I think the frequency of the vibration may be around 8Hz, the same as the dominant Schumann frequency of the Earth. Dogs and cats scratch themselves at this frequency too. It is quite natural.
One day, after doing this shaman's dance, my Dad excitedly asked me if I had felt the earthquake, but I was too embarrassed to tell him it was me, and being unable to lie, just sheepishly smiled. He thought it was a big one! It had shaken the house and the windows had rattled - from more than 50 yards away! I was eleven by this time and that was the last time I did it.
I did discover much later from a book by Carlos Castenada, that a shaman called Don Juan also performed this scatological dance, and I wonder if it could be a means of communicating between shamans over long distances as low frequencies travel further, though I guess it would be a bit of a shit conversation!
